It’s April of 2096, and the United States government is overhauling its infrastructure again. Juneau, Alaska holds the last known oil reserve on the planet, and locals are finding it difficult to meet the demands of oilers worldwide. The senate’s most progressive Democrats, Republicans, and members of the Liberty Brigade have been summoned to the chartreuse wing of the White House. President Bob Brandanowitz has asked them each to prepare their best alternative energy pitch. The Oily Forum will commence on Monday afternoon. Below are the list of invitees and their credentials.

Herb Garden, a junior Senator and Santa Claus Historian from Oklahoma, has proposed to uphold the separation of church and Christmas. It is unclear what link junior Senator Garden sees between the issue and the oil shortage.

Karl Marksman from is an outspoken Wisconsin Communist who has spent the better part of his political career fighting for machinery unions. Marksman’s views on oil implementation have been harshly criticized by most everyone, not least the androids whose joints would benefit from a healthy lubricating. He is the son of former Michigan governor Mark Marksman and a Coca-Cola dispenser.

Miles Haranguer (R) holds the title of the only senator to have been impeached on eight (8) separate occasions. He was instrumental in the merging of the Electoral College and the University of Phoenix. Haranguer is best known in the media for his annual tax evasion and his contributions to the Political Action Committee “Operation Ozone Erasure.”

Crab Temperton of the Idealist Party is the only crustacean currently holding a seat in the senate. His campaign rowed into choppy water when it was revealed that Temperton once boiled his second cousin at a gourmet eatery in Murray Hill. The president hopes that Temperton’s actually being a crab will make for interesting oil shortage counterpoint.

Pegram Jeffries, a successful hedge-fund mogul and amateur hedge-trimmer is believed to be lost at sea, in the figurative sense. A profound realist, Jeffries is believed to have actually become extremely disoriented in Chesapeake Bay last Thursday.

Jean-Jacques Lesyeux XVII is a disarmingly inept French spy, fronting as a Rhode Island senator. His methods are steeped in reverse psychology, as exemplified by the quotations, “I’m not a French spy” and “Please, don’t pass the carafe.” His most recent legislation calls for sharper penalties for under-prepared duck confit and mandatory mime outfits for the mute.

Petri Ritzcoughlin is the only wholly illiterate member of congress. Since his election during the great blackout of 2088, Ritzcoughlin has been hard at work dismantling the New Deal when not napping under his desk. He is praised for his conservatism, as his inability to tackle “concepts” has saved him from political waffling since assuming his position nearly a decade ago.

Thesaurus Johnson is an encyclopedia salesman from Des Moines. A biblical literalist, he is 835 years old and has begotten 116 children. Though officially holding no seat in office, he moonlights as a senator and has gained massive popularity through the recounting of Tripoli’s fall to the Mamelukes as “my drunken twenties.” The House of Representatives forgives his extreme senility for his having existed during the Renaissance.

Footnote: Members of congress have moved to change the name from “The Oily Forum” to “The Oil-Laden Panel” though the disgruntled Speaker of the House has taken to unprecedented filibuster techniques, the details of which have been surmised as “candid” and “arousing.”

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